If today were an ice cream flavor, it'd be pralines and dick.

So, thanks again for getting me in off the ledge, guys! You are my three bestest internet friends ever. As far as the phones go, things are still only halfway to completion (I bet you didn't think there even was a halfway-point in phone instillation, did you?), but the craziness has wound down and my heartrate is almost back to normal.

Also, something I forgot to mention in my epic tale of woe: my boss is actually not in the office again until Thursday! Yes! He is in New York. So that face-to-face embarrassment aspect, at least, was totally a non-issue.

Now I am going to document for you the events of today, because, in my opinion, they are so ridiculous as to actually be of interest. (I could be dead wrong, though.)

Ahem.

Chicago time:
8:02 I call the number I was told to call in order to set a definite appointment time. The woman says that appointments are "not able to be loaded in" (??) until 9am, and that I should call back then.

8:03 I leave a vm for the Chicago girl, asking her to call me as soon as possible with the number for the building's main office.

*I do other work.*

9:01 I call the phone people again. This woman is all, "What? We can't give you a definite time." I throw a fit. She checks her schedule and tells me I am second on the tech's list for the day. I calm down. I give her the correct name to reference at the building, as well as my cell phone number.

*I do other work.*

10:30 I call the phone people to see if the tech is on his way to us yet. He is not. His eta is now "between 11:30 and 1pm." I start to get nervous again.

10:31 I email the Chicago girl and bring her up-to-date, and reiterate my need for the building office's number.

*I bite off my already non-existent fingernails.*

11:16 A call! Caller ID says Chicago!

11:17 Phone guy informs me that he has done "everything on his end." I start to get that panicky feeling again. He goes on to say that, in Chicago, due to union rules, phone companies can only hook the lines up to the server room, but that the building's electrical company is the one that brings the lines from the server room to the actual offices. He says I will have to call the company that owns the building to set this up. Since I still don't have that number, I sweet-talk him into finding someone official in the building and asking them. He does this. I hang up.

11:18 I breathe deeply into a paper bag. What good were all those fucking calls I made to the Chicago girl, then??? Fuck.

11:19 Union rules??? Like as in big guys with shovels? Fuck.

11:20 I call the building's owners. A very slow-talking, lackadaisical woman tells me that she will leave a message at the electrician's, but that he "usually takes a while to track down." I try sweet-talking her into giving me his number so that I can try, but apparently she is straight, so my charms have no effect.

11:22 Try the Chicago girl again. Learn she is out sick.

11:23 - 11:25 Think evil thoughts about Chicago girl. Sick, my ASS! Avoiding my wrath, more like. Bitch better run. Heh. Indulge in fantasies where I am tough and know martial arts.

11:26 However, another Chicago girl did have a good tip: try a guy in our sister company down the street from me, who apparently has connections with this elusive electrical company.

11:27 Wait, wasn't that the guy who was on the original email my boss sent to me, six weeks ago, about setting up the phone thing? Why did he not mention this then?

11:28 Check old emails.

11:29 That WAS him! For fuck's sake! What the hell is going on here? Am I taking crazy pills, or could this have been like 12 THOUSAND times easier for me if other people had helped me out, like, one iota????

11:30 Leave him a vm. He is probably at lunch. (It is 12:30 here.)

*I eat a TV dinner that is, sadly, much better than anything I could have cooked for myself.*

12:15 Guy calls back. He does a three-way with me and the woman he knows at the electrical company (not that kind of three-way, perv). The woman says she will get me an appointment on Thursday. I begin to die a little. The guy then sweet-talks her (aha! I am not the only one who flirts to get ahead) into bumping us up a bit. She says she'll get back to us.

*La la la, I do other work.*

12:45 Phone call from the Chicago company's building engineer, Bill. I am confused as to whether he is calling in reference to the electrical lady, or to one of the other 3,000 calls I have made, but I go with it. He says he will call the electrical company and get me an appointment with them. Suggests Wednesday.

12:46 I go into heavy sweet-talk mode.

12:47 Woo hoo! Bill promises me an appointment with electrical company first thing tomorrow morning. Man, I wish I could be a professional flirt.

12:48 Except what exactly would that mean? An escort? A call girl? Hmm. Rethink.

2:07 Boss finally calls to check in. It takes me til the third ring to pick up, because I am hurriedly trying to construct a professional-sounding explanation for everything.

2:08 Wow, am totally on a roll. Boss was sick and sounded like Barry White. Told him, in a fast tone that indicated that I was very busy and needed to get back to work, that the technician had come and gone, and that now that building engineer "was performing a final service, per the building code." Kind of a lie, but he didn't press. Added, briskly, that I had gotten the vendors' check cut and FedExed out, as he'd requested. Gave him his messages. Told him I hoped he felt better soon and hung up.

2:09 Thank God that's over!

2:14 Lady from electrical company calls and offers me Wednesday. I tell her I have an appointment already, for tomorrow. She says she needs to know who I have gone through to get that. Uh oh. I fold like a deck of cards and give her Bill's number. She says she'll make sure it's kosher and call me back.

2:15 Crap. What if Bill was wrong and now I get bumped to Wednesday? What if I get Bill in trouble? Start re-re-thinking escort idea.

2:18 All is okay. Turns out Bill has pulled major strings to get me the tomorrow appointment. I thank the lord that I was able to cajole a probable-union-teamster-man into giving me just what I wanted. (Heh, that sounded dirty.)

*************************************************

Interspersed with all of that, I have been dealing with a freelance creative guy of ours who turned up at our airport, forgot that I had booked him a car service, and took a cab to our office. Almost had a heart attack when he walked in, as he was supposed to go directly to the client's for a meeting. Called the car service and got them to pick him up here and take him.

Also, our fax machine will not receive long-distance faxes all of a sudden.

So the next time my dad describes my job as "low-stress" in an attempt to guilt me into going to law school or med school, I am going to email him these last three posts. After I sic my boyfriend, Teamster Bill, on him.